As I don't keep my episodes of depression a secret, I often get asked what depression is like. Please understand that what I write here is my personal experience of depression and I would never be so arrogant as to say I know what depression is like for someone else.
For me, depression was dark, cold and stripped me bare. My thoughts turned into my worst enemies, telling me all the time that I was unloved and unlovable, filling me with shame and distorting everything I heard so that it all sounded negative. With these thoughts riding me hard, my behaviour changed. I felt so ashamed of myself that I hid most of the time, lying in bed with the covers over my head. If I had to go out, I avoided eye contact, convinced that I would see my own judgement of myself confirmed in the eyes of others.
I stopped answering the phone and isolated myself as much as possible. Physically, I felt sick, close to vomiting all the time. Self-care became impossible, I loathed myself so why would I look after myself? My body ached and I often lost control of my bladder which I put down to being 'pissed off at myself'. Emotions were a roller coaster straight into the bowels of hell. No real ups but plenty of gut wrenching plummets down, down, down. I tried not to feel because it was so painful. Lying very still in bed not moving, trying not to think or feel.
What did I need?
Someone who wasn't afraid of my pain. Someone who would stay the distance with me. Someone who KNEW that I could and would recover but didn't try to force me to do anything I wasn't ready for. That's why I am so passionate about Mental Health First Aid, it trains participants with real skills to support someone in a mental health crisis. If you would like to know more about Mental Health First Aid click here.
Remember Mental Health is everybody's business.
